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After all the things that has transpired, it changed me a lot. I became closer to my family, I have more friends who's willing to help me get through this trial and I pray a lot to help me not to cry. The pain still remains and I still do not know how long will it take me to remove all that. Oh well, I still do not know when since I am trying so hard to keep the friendship but at the same time I am figuring out to myself if my feelings for you is completely out of friendship. I still can't look at your face when I see you, I have this reflex of hiding when I sense that you're moving my way or when I see you from a far unexpectedly. I want to cover my ears when I hear your voice resounding despite the noise of the crowd. I just don't want any memory of you in my life. The pain is killing me and I do not know how to escape from it. Two years and five months was long enough to make me suffer this much. Sometimes, I think that loving you was the biggest mistake that I made in my life.

The Break Up

It's been a month since he left me. I do not know how long will the feelings remain but I hope I'll be able to forget about it soon and move on. I can't believe I have to go through all this pain. I can't imagine how dumb I was not to know that soon he will be leaving me. I used to write letters for him whenever I feel like writing stating how I feel about our relationship and how much I love him. It was definitely heartbreaking that a week before he decided to ask for some space from me, I said that I was feeling confident about our relationship. I never imagined that he is feeling otherwise, because since then he was the cold type. I always understood him. I always give myself all the reasons in the world just to minimize the burden. Creating my own stories so that pain won't get into me and just let things pass hoping tomorrow will be better. But now, it will never be. All I can do now is move on. How I wish my memories with him will be erased. I can't believe it had to end so soon that I wasn't able to do anything about it. Every night I cry, asking myself why? why does it have to happen to me, to us? I used to say that I am so thankful for having him in my life, that he was sent by God, etc. Is this part of His plan? Until now, I know in my heart that it was a decision he made without certainty. I still feel that we could still work things out but I do not know when. At the same time I do not want to wait for him to love me again since there is no assurance.

I just wish to start again. I want the Me I used to be.